May 2012
38 posts
dulce et decorum est pro patria mori
What do you do when all you can see when you look at the face of your mother is death? What do you do when all you can say to yourself is:
“I have no control. I cannot save her. I can only save me.”
What do you do when you picture her lying in a coffin knowing she was never able to experience the beauty of
Real love?
What do you do when you come visit her in the night and...
perfect
Your love was a cage
Made out of bone
I stayed there, quietly
Locked in
Sometimes I would carve things into
The cage
Things like
“Help”
“I’m trapped”
“I want to die”
I was small enough to
Escape between the bars
But I was scared
Because I knew how much escaping would
Disappoint you.
You fed me flower petals and cotton candy
I fed you...
Music
Is what holds
My mother and I
Together
Music is the womb in which
We both were conceived
Music is the blood
That flows within her,
The blood she gave to me
Without it we wouldn’t be
Trapped in this endless cycle of
Missing each other
Love is only a part of what
Holds my mother and I
Together
But it is sadly not
Love alone.
It can so quickly turn to pain and pain
Is...
1 tag
inrainbows
Listening to radiohead on a park bench in the Whyte Avenue sun
I stare at you and I know
Things are going to be alright
I never thought they would
I’m falling in love again
I never thought I would but, there it is
I’m falling in love
I guess the joke of being hopeless
Was on me
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the trees
The earth turned to bring us closer, it spun on itself and within us, and finally joined us together in this dream as written in the Symposium. Nights passed by, snowfalls and solstices; time passed in minutes and millennia. An ox cart that was on its way to Nineveh arrived in Nebraska. A rooster was singing some distance from the world, in one of the thousand pre-lives of our fathers. The earth...
3 tags
whistle while you work
I wonder sometimes if Walt Disney was trying to tell little girls something subliminal in all of the princess movies. Different stories with the same plot, the same outcome. Every little girl wants to be saved and grows up thinking she’s going to be saved, which fucks her up when she realizes she’ll never be, the hard way. Maybe Ursula and Maleficent and the Evil Queen and the Ugly...
this is nothing
more than
a fear of existing
a fear of being too loud, too passionate, too sad
too much
this is nothing
more than
being swallowed by fear
until you become that fear
as if you are nothing
more than
the praying mantis’s lover
acting on impulse without awareness of
what is about to come
until she licks you until you taste your death
on your own tongue
until you feel the finality...
hangman
I wanted to give you an excuse to leave me. For I had already left myself. I thought warning you about my demons would make you want to leave. I thought manipulating the truth would make you want to leave. I told you I expected you to leave. That was a lie. I told you I didn’t want you to love me. That was a lie. I told you I wanted to die. That was mostly a lie. So then I told you the...
gone
Vague moments of sanity
Waltz across the carpet of my
Unsettled mind
Then are gone
Like you who loved me once
Like a wound I wished against
Healing
Scarred by a moment of sanity
That haunts me with each day that passes,
Gone
Why did I let my grip slip?
Why was I so quick to jump out of that plane?
Scarred by the memory of before,
Haunted by the reality of after
Both as vague as...
Thursday, September 10th, 2009
I came across an interesting journal entry I wrote three years ago. I wish I could go back to this girl and hug her.
Today I was reminded of your impermanence and inconsistency. I thought maybe if I didn’t acknowledge it long enough it would just go away. But it didn’t. I think I’m a bit of a romantic, I see things in such a way, when I’m with you I just feel so safe and...
cancel
I am an excellent planner
And an even more excellent
Canceller.
Sorry, can’t do it my throat is sore
Sorry, can’t do it my grandpa died
Sorry, can’t do it, it’s raining, I’m sad, I’m tired, worn out, depressed, hopeless, used up.
Sorry, can’t do it.
I just can’t.
i'm a big fan
Of reopening the same wound
Again and again until
It bleeds enough to satisfy my
Hungry heart in other words,
Never satisfied that’s why I’m a big fan of
Reopening the same wound
Again and again until
You’ll sit with me in sun and see me as I am
Yours as I always was until
I am enough for you to accept
As your own flesh and blood
I keep coming back because
...
1 tag
i was never
a priority if alcohol & drugs were involved
abandonment, neglect
fear and loss
are the four walls that enclose my trampled heart
now
as my honesty breaks through
no barrier.
bitterness
Tints his voice. That, and anger.
How can be blame his mom?
I’m not sure I understand. Then
again, I have no frame of reference.
My mother is still one of the walking,
talking, breathing. But she doesn’t
do a whole lot more for me than Sean’s
mom does for him now. We never
spend time together. Rarely even
attempt to communicate. For all
our daily interaction, she...
don't bother
Me with promises. Vows
Are cheaply manufactured,
come with no guarantees.
Don’t bother to say you
love
me. The word is indefinable.
Joy to some, heartbreak
to others, depending on circumstance. There
is
evidence that the emotion
can make a person live longer,
evidence it can kill you early.
I think it’s akin to
a deadly
disease. Or at least some
exotic fever....
fog (again)
Behind my smile
No one can see how sad I am
They talk to me behind a screen
They peer at me over a fence
They paint it yellow
With enough colour to convince a child
To come home.
Perfect cloud bloom in ear says,
You have no choice.
What is choice but a heavy mist that reduces the aftertaste
Of yesterday?
The mirror suggests
I have no choice.
But I have a foggy dream of
Looking down...
1 tag
colouring of pigeons
What is it like to have an honest mother daughter conversation? One where the daughter tells her everything that’s on her mind, all her worries and hopes, all her fears and failures? Where the mother listens deeply and intently and offers her insights of wisdom and strength?
I feel like you are going to die soon. This year maybe.
I feel like you are already dead.
I feel like I am the...
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M.O.
Falling in love with people I can’t have
Has always been my M.O.
I never realize it at the time,
But it’s really fucking true.
I grew up neglected,
So being in love with someone who would neglect me in some
Form or another
Is comforting. It’s not what I
Deserve.
Neglect and abandonment have always been my
Reference points, where I ricochet comfortably
Alone and...
1 tag
love is a dog from hell
“What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.”
-Bukowksi
1 tag
deformed typewriter
After days of silence I received a text message from you at 9:11pm saying:
“I love you.”
I’m still an open wound.
Why would you send me that?
April 2012
29 posts
Midas
I don’t want my life to be an ashtray
I don’t want my face to be a stop sign
Sometimes when I look in the mirror,
That’s what I see and it scares me because I know
That’s not what I am.
I get glimpses of a book full of unbreakable pages,
Pages of gold.
Like King Midas’s daughter or
Rapunzel’s discarded hair, something
Fragile and wasted
Is what I...
crooked symmetry
You gave me seed oil for my scars,
But I’m not so sure if I want them to fade.
They are beautiful in their own disgusting way,
In the way that screams
YES I KNOW YOU’RE STARING AND YES I’VE FOUGHT COUNTLESS BATTLES AGAINST MYSELF. And yes, yes, I am alive and they are there
To prove it.
I’m all too often ashamed to admit their beauty.
I wish I could show them to...
love like porcelain
She showed up on my doorstep a thin piece of ragdoll, torn, faded, dragged through the dirt by the pigtail for months and months. I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t smile or say hello. I was afraid to touch her. Afraid her pale skin would shatter, bones crack into pieces, fragile to the touch. She threw herself into my arms, laughing, bursting with energy and...
you were mine
I think about you everyday. You’re usually one of the first things on my mind as I rise to brave another day. I feel my love for you come to a boil, my heart - a vase of lava overflowing. It keeps me warm. I wonder what you’re doing, what you’re thinking, if you are having a good day, bad day, how hard you laughed today or if you even laughed at all. I think of all I...
it's getting better all the time
I’ve lost you and it’s something I can’t fix. It’s something I’m powerless over. It’s something that drives me crazy when I dwell in it for too long. When I start thinking of things I could or should have done, when I start hearing the MOANS -
Must
Ought to
Always
Never
Should
Fucking story of my life. But I’m learning how to let go of you and...
cab fare
I get so shaken by your windswept gaze
I feel your eyes like daggers
Cut into me in one full swoop when I say
“Hello, how are you?”
What rattles me most is that you are not afraid to stare,
That you are so devoted as to never be inclined
To look away
The passion burns inside you, I can feel it when you say
“You’re gunna be tough to crack. But I’m gunna get...
\\\\
Scars are tattoos with better stories.